Dating Tips

I've spent the last couple months dating a slew of idiots. In my defense, I didn't realize they were all idiots before I dated them. I spent a lot of time complaining to my friends about the men I was going out with and the dates I had just finished. But now that I have started school again and no longer have the time to meet new men, let alone date them, I look back on the last several weeks and can't help but admit to myself that it was kind of fun. It was fun thinking of date ideas. It was fun to get dressed up to go somewhere. It was fun once again having the possibility that it might be a boy calling, instead of my mother or best friend (not that I dont love hearing from my mother or friends, best or otherwise). Mostly it was fun dissecting the dates with my friends and laughing over the ridiculousness that is the single male population of Denver.

Of course, I did learn from my experiences. Which of course got me to thinking, I should write a blog about it.

Some lessons I learned:

1. Men do not look good in coats that go past their knees. I'm pretty sure the only man on EARTH who can pull this look off is Denzel Washington, and even that is iffy. But especially if you're shorter than 6ft, for the love of god...just get a shorter coat.

2. I need to stop the cussing. I should fucking know better, but dammit, I can't seem to stop letting the shit fly out of my mouth. Also, I have been taking my cue from my dates, and apparently that's not ok. Even if HE cusses, SHE still is not allowed to. Clearly I didn't meet my soulmate in the last couple months, because I believe that The One doesn't care whether or not I cuss.

3. Alcohol on a first date is not worth it. While it might make you more relaxed in the beginning, you will find on the second date that the sexy and interesting male specimen you met earlier in the week is in fact, when sober, kind of neanderthal-looking and outrageously dull.

4. If a guy says to you "You have such soft skin" and your reply is "No offense, but when is the last time you touched a woman?", he will get offended anyway.

5. Never, ever, ever sit in the front row at a comedy club. Oh wait, I already knew that. I guess the lesson here is never, ever, ever allow your date to convince you that sitting in the front row won't be that bad and that the comediens will not pick on you.

And would this post really be complete without a few tips for the guys? Methinks not.

Men:

1. Don't wear coats that go past your knees.

2. DO NOT EVER pull hair unless you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE she's into that.

3. If you are taking a girl out to a fancy restaurant date you might want to make sure that you know where the restaurant is, as well as how to get to the restaurant from your date's house. You might want to also make sure the restaurant is actually open.

And lastly, and this should not be new, but this is the most important part of being with a woman. No means no. No doesn't mean yes. No doesn't mean maybe. No doesn't mean try harder. No doesn't mean she's just "afraid it might feel good" (I still fume with rage thinking of this comment.) When she says no, she isn't just playing a game.

No means no. Respect it, or get the hell out of the dating world.

Some Questions

This is kind of the sister blog to my entry several months ago that was "Some Observations." Actually, I dont remember what I called it, but that title would make sense to me.

Here are some questions that I would like answered. If anyone knows the answers, you should definitely let me know.

There's a good chance this blog will get added on to as time goes by.

As of 1/10/10, these are a few thoughts I've been mulling over:

1) Where do good looking single men grocery shop? I go to grocery stores all over the city, depending on what I am doing, and where I am, and I NEVER see hot single guys in the stores. One hundred percent of the time when I see a good-looking guy getting groceries, he is either attached at the hip with a woman, or wearing a wedding ring. WTF.

2) What in Jesus's name is a 'beautiful nightmare'?

(This next question makes me really really glad that I only tell a few people about this blog.)

3) People have phantom limbs, right? And if someone has lost a hand (or whatever) they can still feel pain in it, they can still feel cramps in it, it will even itch. The other day I found myself wondering, do eunuchs feel phantom balls? And since you can feel pain in parts of your body that are no longer there, do they ever experience...phantom blue balls??

Stay tuned for more brain-wrinkling musings.