Where Have All the Single People Gone?

...gotten married, every one.

Why is it that every time I go out these days, I only call two people and then I'm done with my list? It used to be I never went out in public with less than a dozen friends. Restaurants hated us. When we used to go out, we looked like a very laid back, lazy attack squad released on downtown, fanning out in all directions.

I have noticed an epidemic in the last few years. Like a true contagious and deadly disease, it has taken out many of my friends. It has struck not only those who seemed vulnerable to it, but also those who said they would never ever be trapped by it. I wonder if the people who always loudly declare "I will never get AIDS!" are likewise the first ones to contract it? Similar to survivors of the plague, it is unlikely to recover a friend after they've gotten married. If you do, they are just a burned out, traumatized, bitter shell of what they used to be.

In a way it's worse than a disease. Because while my friends who get married don't die off (at least not yet), neither are they the people I enjoyed good times with in the past. They morph into adults with responsibilities, their thoughts are about kids and houses and future joint burial plots with their spouses. I can not relate to any of these things, nor do I want to. I remember one married friend showing me her newly painted townhouse. She was really really excited about it. They had painted the whole thing beige. Freakin beige. What kind of reality is that where the pique of excitement is beige paint??

Honestly, the whole boring-married people thing baffles me. I know it is possible to be married AND still be fun, and normal, because I know couples like that. They are few and far between but they exist, giving me hope for my remaining friends who will undoubtedly get hitched soon. But why are the lame ones the predominant species in the married family?

The biggest difference between ebola and marriage? I don't want ebola. And maybe the reason I'm so distressed about all this is that I don't want to become insipid when I get married. And maybe what worries me the most of all, is that I may never have a chance to find out.

The Administration called, they want their asshole back

In the last couple weeks I have been knocked flat on my ass with stories of men treating my friends like shit. There's always one of those douche-bag stories floating around, but it seems like lately the number of assholes has sky-rocketed. Is there something in the water? Or rather, in the beer? Are all the men on the planet PMSing at once? Because this behavior has skipped right over the Atlantic Ocean and effected my friends across the pond as well.

It is bad enough to hear stories of my friends getting treated like doormats (or whores), but the most depressing part for me is how these conversations always go:

[friend wraps up story]
Me: Gasp! I can't believe he said/did that! What an outrageous asshole! Please tell me you are never talking to him again/seeing him again/kicked him in the balls/slapped him in the face/shoved him out of a moving car/fed him poison??
Friend: Well, no...that's just the way he is/he's very stressed out right now/i dont think he meant it like that/he had a paper cut so was very cranky/i just take things too personally/he's right, monogamy is outdated/its my fault for bringing it up....etc.

There are few excuses for being rude or callous to another person. But when men act like babies or assholes or self-centered bastards, and the women in their lives just take it, what reason would they ever have to change? This guy, let's call him Shmeric, should not have called my beautiful, smart, capable, globe-trotting friend a "ditzy blonde with no situational awareness who dresses like a mom". What kind of insufferable jerk says things like that out loud to another person? On the other hand, my friend should not have gone to New York with him, after they had broken up and he had treated her like shit for months and made her feel less than human and incompetent, fat and ugly and worthless. It is his responsibility that he acted like scum, but what did she really expect from him by that point??

I am not saying I have never let a guy treat me badly. In fact, I've been in a couple outrageously unhealthy relationships, the second one all the worse because I should have learned from the first one. But I think that's why I get so upset now. I know what its like to defend someone who doesn't deserve it, and I also know the freedom and empowerment that finally comes with standing up for yourself, with tossing aside the sludgy guy, with having the confidence to be alone and knowing that being alone is better than being with someone who diminishes you every day.

It just boggles my mind that I have so many friends that are so extremely smart and motivated and capable until it comes to men and then they are simpering idiots. What is that about??

If you are a guy, please, don't be an ass. Its not that hard to be decent to the people around you, I promise it isn't. But if you are a girl, stop putting up with bullshit. You deserve better.

I Was Tagged

My friend tagged me in her blog and here's the basic idea--go to your bookshelf, and talk about the book on the top shelf, 5 from the right, and then the book on the bottom shelf, 5 from the left, and what it means to you. She tagged me ages ago and I've been feeling guilty for not getting around to it, so here it is. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how interesting these books turned out to be.

Top shelf, 5 from right: My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult. I do love this book, it deals with some ethical issues that blow my mind to consider. I think I've rarely read a book that made me cry as much as this one, which sounds weird to mention but it can be really therapeutic. This is so far the only Jodi Picoult book that I have found worth reading. Its no wonder, since she churns them out every 6 months, that a lot of them aren't great quality. On a personal level, this book is a remnant of a friendship that no longer exists. It was the first book in a private book club between the two of us, designed to help us feel more connected when she lived 3 hours away. Little did we know that it was us actually living together that would destroy the friendship. I guess this book makes me feel melancholy, for the plot and for my lost best friend.

Bottom shelf, 5 from left: A History of Their Own, edited by Anderson and Zinsser. The bottom shelf of my bookshelf happens to be where I keep all the books from college that I found worth holding on to. This is a history book from a women's history class; its supposed to be all the classic history from the last couple hundred years, except from the point of view of women. I'm sorry to say I remember it as being extremely dull. I held onto it because it does seem like something that should be important. I will probably never open it again, if we're being honest.

I'm supposed to tag 5 people but only 5 people know about this blog, one of them being the girl who tagged me. So, my 4 remaining readers, I shall tag you-- Dacia, Betsy, Chris and Noah.

I Am In Love

I know this will be surprising since there has been no indication of anything special in my life.* The truth is, this attachment has been around since I was a child. Introduced by my father, I have returned to this love time and again. But it was only this week that I had to admit that my feelings were not of warmth or affection but of actual love.

I am talking about the Tattered Cover.

I walked in to the Tattered Cover earlier this week and the sense of relief and calm and peace and happiness hit me like a wave. A warm, enveloping, nurturing wave (think: opposite of a Katrina wave). Sometimes when I go in there I have to get a grip on myself to keep from lying on the carpet and waving my arms and legs happy-book-store-snow-angel style.

Is there anything better than being surrounded by books? And the Tattered Cover(s), they get it, they have these comfy couches and cute nooks where you can cuddle up with a book, or a dozen books. And they are actually comfortable and have butt-worn marks on them, unlike other bookstores that I can think of that have "comfy" chairs for looks but if you sit in them you can see that they are not actually there for you to sit in. (Rhymes with Shmarnes and Shnoble.)

Here's the best part of all. I know, I mean I know this is a love that will last for the rest of my life. I'm never going to stop feeling this way about books and reading and there is nothing that can offer that up like the Tattered Cover. There is no way I could ever find all there is to explore in there, and even if I dedicate my whole life to it, there are new books being printed and classics waiting for my mind to ripen to them and whole genres of literature that I have yet to reach. Imagine. Just imagine.

Wait...revelation.

Is this what its like to be in love with a man? Not just any man, because I have been in love, but THE ONE. I have a dear friend who is in love (with a human) and getting married and she says that just thinking about her partner makes her feel peaceful and calm, just like the Tattered Cover makes me feel (she did not know I was comparing her feelings on her soul mate to mine toward a bookstore).

On the other hand, its hard to imagine any person having so many layers that they are never completely spent through. Also, if this is what I expect from a partner, isn't that what I should be offering in return? I am most definitely not that deep. I'm pretty sure I only have about 3 layers...not ten thousand. Also, the 3 layers depend a lot on whether or not I've gotten enough sleep the night before. Some days I'm just a one-layered exhausted, cranky bitch.

Oh well. Who cares about real men when I have Jamie Fraser and Mark Darcy and not just them but The Secret Garden and Wilbur, the whole cast of Lonesome Dove and a red tent full of women so deep and spiritual and real that I can feel them in my soul.

*Ok, maybe there was some talk about an LI in earlier posts, but that guy is sooo not worth my time and I sooo see that now.

Speech Impediments

I have been told that I have slow speech patterns. This can make me appear unintelligent, or more often, high. I am constantly having people tell me that they thought I was high when they first met me because of the way I talk.*

In fact, the reason that I am usually slow to respond to people is because I am scrolling through, and trying to find, appropriate responses in my head. When i land on one, i can finally finish my sentence.

Some examples, pour vous:

Supervisor at Internship: "I can tell that you aren't extremely excited about this project"
Me: "Oh no, that's only because....
....this internship is a f*n waste of my time
....I've been watching Friends in my head to keep my sanity intact
....you're a total idiot and I can't believe I have to work with you
....a monkey could do this work
....I'm not feeling very well today."

I am inappropriate in other situations as well, it is not just that I have a problem with authority.

Hottie in my class "Was my presentatioin all right?"
Me "I think so....
....but you forgot to take off your shirt
....mainly because I was picturing you naked
....why, did your useless girlfriend tell you it wasn't?
....let's go find a closet and shag
....I especially liked the activity you had us do as a class, very creative."

Sometimes I am positively speechless because I can not come up with a single thing to say that is tactful. That's when I'm lucky. The sad part is, sometimes I go through all that scrolling and never piece any polite thoughts together and it shoots right out of my mouth anyway.

Political friend:"How have you not heard of Ted Stevens?"
Me: "....YOUR MOM hasn't heard of Ted Stevens" (said political friend's mom died last month)

Classmate that probably will not make it through this term alive because I'm going to kill her: "Everyone should be Jewish because Jews don't think that natural disasters are God's punishment [like Catholics believe]"
Me:"...You have GOT to be kidding me."

So there is the truth. When I am staring at you blankly and you think I dont understand, I am really just having an internal struggle and trying to decide if not insulting you is worth coming up with something complacent to say.



*If my normal state is what most people get to when they are high, it could explain why smoking up always immediately makes me fall asleep. Apparently I can't get more relaxed than I already am on a regular basis. But maybe that's another post for another day.

Tooooo looooong

I have been in the catering business for too long. I enjoy it, which is probably why its been a side job for me for 10 years (!!), and there's something to be said about being good at your job. But lately I've realized I have acquired skills that nobody should have. Nobody.

At a recent event I was passing wine to people entering a party. One of the guests complimented me on how well I handled the tray. Um, what?

At another event I was carrying a huge armload of stuff to the van at the end of the night, so I couldn't see my feet, and I was going down the stairs. I fell down the stairs. It hurt. But, as I landed on my ass, I somehow did it without spilling a single thing from my armload, nay, without any of it even moving. When did I get conditioned to think that not dropping stuff is more important than not falling down?

I was working a wedding, and the toast was going to start soon so I was carrying a tray of champagne glasses. As I walked by my boss, she burnt her hand and so I was all "oh my god! are you ok?" and rushing toward her and wandering around finding her some ice and picking up the item she threw when she burnt herself, and basically being involved in a flurry of activity and then I realized I was still carrying the tray of champagne. And hadn't spilled a drop. I waitress so freakin much that holding a tray of glasses feels like a natural extention of my body.

Uhhh, yeah, I need to stop doing this. Before I morph into some crazy waitressing robot and I serve people in my sleep and duck into restaurants and clear tables for them and will only eat food that's been getting cold on the buffet line for two hours and don't feel like my night is complete unless my hands are wrinkly from doing so many dishes in some rich lady's enormous, marble sink that you know only gets used when we cater at her house and...

...where was I?

Oh, right. I need to quit catering. Luckily I am in grad school which will HOPEFULLY lead to a good enough job when I graduate that I will no longer need to make money on the side.

I Would Make an Amazing Vice President

Ok, all right, I'm getting the hang of this campaign crap. Basically, what the running parties have to offer has nothing to do with anything. So if we're all going to think Sarah Palin is so great, let me just say that I would be an even BETTER vice president than her for these reasons:

1. Palin knows all about foreign diplomacy and issues because she lives in Alaska, which we all know is the closest part of the United States to Russia. Damn, that is some serious stuff there, that's tough to beat. But I lived in Finland for FIVE YEARS and (if you're a McCain/Palin supporter you probably DON'T know this geography) Finland is on the border of Russia. Finland touches Russia!! Which means I was even closer than Sarah to Russia, which means I know everything there is to possibly know about those people, and their politics, and their society, and their infrastructure, and their religions, and their culture, and their military, etc. Ooh, ooh, PLUS I have actually been to Russia, yes, its true, when I was about five years old, there are pictures to prove it. It can not be questioned; I am a foreign policy expert (and isn't the logic that if I know about Russia, then I know all about all other countries everywhere?).

2. I wear glasses.

3. My hair is short and hip and with the times. Sarah's always got her hair in an old-fashioned up-do. Gotta get with the younger generation, Sarah.

4. I don't hunt, but I do kill flies.

5. I can tell jokes too. What's the difference between a Christian Fundamentalist and a complete and total psycho? Publicity!

I think I've proved my point. Come November, vote Prince.

Books and brains

I was just watching Sense and Sensibility, and that combined with just finishing Persuasion, I finally realized why Jane Austen is a timeless author for women.

Her novels may not be exciting by today's standards, or easily relatable because they focus on England's rich society, but damn does she know how to write persevering love. In her books the men behave so chivalrously that its irresistable, and if they ever falter for any reason in their devotion, it turns out to be for an even better and heroic reason that we could have imagined to begin with. Of course I realized, superficially, that Jane Austen is supposed to be the original genius of writing men we can fall in love with but today it just hit me on a personal level. Maybe its becaue my LI is barely even aware that I'm alive, let alone, you know, willing to ride his horse all day and all night in the rain to fetch my mother for me if I'm sick. The fact that he has not a horse, but a subaru, is not the point. For Jane Austen's men, no gesture is too big to display his love and dedication. When the men in her novels fall in love, they fall in love for life. Just look at Captain Wentworth in Persuasion, he agonized over Anne for eight years, only to meet her again and only fall in love with her even further. {sigh}

Here's the best part though. The men in Austen's novels fall in love with women who have brains (except for Fanny, who didn't really seem to). Brains! What a radical notion. Just look at the collective wittiness of Elizabeth, Elinor, Emma, and Anne. Smart girls, those ones. Hell, Anne even speaks Italian. This could be another reason why Austen's books are timeless. Just look at the heroines we have in today's literature. Smart is not exactly the first word I would use to describe most of them. Bridget Jones? Lovable to the extreme, but not exactly bright. And how about that awful shopaholic bitch. Don't even get me started on her intellectual shortcomings. Where have all the smart women in literature gone? To the fringes. We have Claire from Outlander, but who has ever heard of the Outlander?

How much can we value intelligence in ourselves as women, when our heroes don't even posess it?

Of My Life

It always gets on my nerves when people exaggerate so much and say they saw the funniest movie of my life or they had the worst day of my life and so on.

But the other day, I really seriously experienced the most ironic moment of my life.

I was with my Love Interest, and it is no secret between us that I want to be with him and he has absolutely no romantic interest in me.

He says "Do you think unrequited desire is the essence of humor?"(Does anyone else think this is a weird thing to say anyway?)

I tensed up a little, even though it seemed unlikely that he was so blatantly insulting me and bringing up our awkward dynamics for us to discuss. I ventured to say that no....I did not think unrequited desire was the essence of humor.

He went on to elaborate a couple of different movie scenes in which a man wanted a woman and wasn't able to have her, and they were hilarious. I consented that maybe unrequited desire was funny, but not the, you know, "essence of humor" as he called it. I cited our mutual favorite comedian Mitch Hedberg as evidence, saying he never uses unrequited desire.

LI shot back with Hedberg's koala joke, in which he wishes he had koala bears to pet and feed leaves to, but they are so far away from him. This did not totally seem like unrequited desire to me but I was willing to let it go. Then LI brought up the joke where Mitch Hedberg says he wishes he could be in Little League. I told him that was absurd, as Little League could not want Mitch Hedberg back.

Then LI says "...I guess I dont really know what unrequited means".

My unrequited love doesn't know what unrequited means? I almost had to roll over and die, it was so. damn. ironic.

Intro

I finally caved and started a blog. What was always holding me back before is I felt like I didn't have enough interesting thoughts to entertain the world at large. But I decided I need a dumping ground for all the random thoughts I have that can't be directed to any specific person, or that I would like to put out there in the universe. So here we have it. If you're reading this, you probably shouldn't anticipate anything brilliant, or consistent, or even coherent.