Speech Impediments

I have been told that I have slow speech patterns. This can make me appear unintelligent, or more often, high. I am constantly having people tell me that they thought I was high when they first met me because of the way I talk.*

In fact, the reason that I am usually slow to respond to people is because I am scrolling through, and trying to find, appropriate responses in my head. When i land on one, i can finally finish my sentence.

Some examples, pour vous:

Supervisor at Internship: "I can tell that you aren't extremely excited about this project"
Me: "Oh no, that's only because....
....this internship is a f*n waste of my time
....I've been watching Friends in my head to keep my sanity intact
....you're a total idiot and I can't believe I have to work with you
....a monkey could do this work
....I'm not feeling very well today."

I am inappropriate in other situations as well, it is not just that I have a problem with authority.

Hottie in my class "Was my presentatioin all right?"
Me "I think so....
....but you forgot to take off your shirt
....mainly because I was picturing you naked
....why, did your useless girlfriend tell you it wasn't?
....let's go find a closet and shag
....I especially liked the activity you had us do as a class, very creative."

Sometimes I am positively speechless because I can not come up with a single thing to say that is tactful. That's when I'm lucky. The sad part is, sometimes I go through all that scrolling and never piece any polite thoughts together and it shoots right out of my mouth anyway.

Political friend:"How have you not heard of Ted Stevens?"
Me: "....YOUR MOM hasn't heard of Ted Stevens" (said political friend's mom died last month)

Classmate that probably will not make it through this term alive because I'm going to kill her: "Everyone should be Jewish because Jews don't think that natural disasters are God's punishment [like Catholics believe]"
Me:"...You have GOT to be kidding me."

So there is the truth. When I am staring at you blankly and you think I dont understand, I am really just having an internal struggle and trying to decide if not insulting you is worth coming up with something complacent to say.



*If my normal state is what most people get to when they are high, it could explain why smoking up always immediately makes me fall asleep. Apparently I can't get more relaxed than I already am on a regular basis. But maybe that's another post for another day.