Speech Impediments

I have been told that I have slow speech patterns. This can make me appear unintelligent, or more often, high. I am constantly having people tell me that they thought I was high when they first met me because of the way I talk.*

In fact, the reason that I am usually slow to respond to people is because I am scrolling through, and trying to find, appropriate responses in my head. When i land on one, i can finally finish my sentence.

Some examples, pour vous:

Supervisor at Internship: "I can tell that you aren't extremely excited about this project"
Me: "Oh no, that's only because....
....this internship is a f*n waste of my time
....I've been watching Friends in my head to keep my sanity intact
....you're a total idiot and I can't believe I have to work with you
....a monkey could do this work
....I'm not feeling very well today."

I am inappropriate in other situations as well, it is not just that I have a problem with authority.

Hottie in my class "Was my presentatioin all right?"
Me "I think so....
....but you forgot to take off your shirt
....mainly because I was picturing you naked
....why, did your useless girlfriend tell you it wasn't?
....let's go find a closet and shag
....I especially liked the activity you had us do as a class, very creative."

Sometimes I am positively speechless because I can not come up with a single thing to say that is tactful. That's when I'm lucky. The sad part is, sometimes I go through all that scrolling and never piece any polite thoughts together and it shoots right out of my mouth anyway.

Political friend:"How have you not heard of Ted Stevens?"
Me: "....YOUR MOM hasn't heard of Ted Stevens" (said political friend's mom died last month)

Classmate that probably will not make it through this term alive because I'm going to kill her: "Everyone should be Jewish because Jews don't think that natural disasters are God's punishment [like Catholics believe]"
Me:"...You have GOT to be kidding me."

So there is the truth. When I am staring at you blankly and you think I dont understand, I am really just having an internal struggle and trying to decide if not insulting you is worth coming up with something complacent to say.



*If my normal state is what most people get to when they are high, it could explain why smoking up always immediately makes me fall asleep. Apparently I can't get more relaxed than I already am on a regular basis. But maybe that's another post for another day.

Tooooo looooong

I have been in the catering business for too long. I enjoy it, which is probably why its been a side job for me for 10 years (!!), and there's something to be said about being good at your job. But lately I've realized I have acquired skills that nobody should have. Nobody.

At a recent event I was passing wine to people entering a party. One of the guests complimented me on how well I handled the tray. Um, what?

At another event I was carrying a huge armload of stuff to the van at the end of the night, so I couldn't see my feet, and I was going down the stairs. I fell down the stairs. It hurt. But, as I landed on my ass, I somehow did it without spilling a single thing from my armload, nay, without any of it even moving. When did I get conditioned to think that not dropping stuff is more important than not falling down?

I was working a wedding, and the toast was going to start soon so I was carrying a tray of champagne glasses. As I walked by my boss, she burnt her hand and so I was all "oh my god! are you ok?" and rushing toward her and wandering around finding her some ice and picking up the item she threw when she burnt herself, and basically being involved in a flurry of activity and then I realized I was still carrying the tray of champagne. And hadn't spilled a drop. I waitress so freakin much that holding a tray of glasses feels like a natural extention of my body.

Uhhh, yeah, I need to stop doing this. Before I morph into some crazy waitressing robot and I serve people in my sleep and duck into restaurants and clear tables for them and will only eat food that's been getting cold on the buffet line for two hours and don't feel like my night is complete unless my hands are wrinkly from doing so many dishes in some rich lady's enormous, marble sink that you know only gets used when we cater at her house and...

...where was I?

Oh, right. I need to quit catering. Luckily I am in grad school which will HOPEFULLY lead to a good enough job when I graduate that I will no longer need to make money on the side.